This is the season of death and new life. It is my birthday season. The death to my disease of addiction and birth to a new way of living. From darkness and despair to hope and renewal. It's Good Friday today and although this is not the actual day I hit bottom (as the date of Good Friday changes from year to year), it is the day I remember my bottom.
Leading the Good Friday sacred service stoned. That's what I did two years ago. That was when my heart groaned with my deepest prayer of surrender. That was when I finally completely truly let go of any illusion of control. Good Friday will never ever be the same for me again. Each year, as I lead this solemn sacred service where we turn our attention to the deepest death, darkness, and despair that humans can face, I will remember my own death, my own darkness, and my own despair. I will forever more be able to make the connection from my deepest pain to Jesus' deepest pain. I will forever remember that in that darkness, the Light never left. In my despair, Christ comforted. In my hopelessness, Jesus sat with me.
Holy Week will never ever be the same for me. Because now I know that Easter always always always follows Good Friday.
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