It's been a while since I shared with your my journey. That's because my recovery has been dwindling. No, I'm not drinking or using, but I haven't been to meetings in a long time, and I've been experiencing some disappointments that have left holes in my life. As I'm not working my program, I fill my life not with the things that bring me peace and health, but I fill the holes in my life with obsessions. Maybe this is my bi-polar condition acting out, maybe it is my addictive behavior. Whatever it is, these holes yearn to be filled.
My latest obsession was my application to the Lilly Foundation for a four month sabbatical. I applied last year, didn't get it, got feedback and was convinced that this year, it would be awarded to me and I would spend those months with Ken on the Camino and then some months in Prague. I was so convinced that I practiced Spanish, I make my list with REI, I got all the books I could get my hands on that had to do with the Camino or Prague. I was obsessed and I was convinced I would be awarded this opportunity to travel the world. Then last week I got the letter that said, "Thanks but no thanks."
In the past, the old Susan would quickly fill that deep hole of disappointment by drinking and smoking pot. That would make the pain and sense of rejection go away. At least for the moment. But since that is no longer an option, I find myself a bit frantic, wondering "What am I going to do to distract myself from this huge blow?"
Last night I went to an AA meeting for the first time in months and realized that my meetings, my program, my relationships with other alcoholics were not in play. I may not have been drinking these months while I obsessively planned for something that was not going to happen, but I was behaving in a way that is described as a "dry drunk." I realize that if I was working my program while I waited for word, I would have been living in the present instead of the future. I would have been filling life's disappointments with friends, fellowship and my Higher Power instead of dreams for tomorrow.
It was a good wake-up call last night as I listened to folks share how they've let go of their resentments. I certainly resent that I did not get the Lilly. I was convinced I turned in an excellent application and clearly the Lilly folks missed the fact that I'm so awesome!
Well, live and learn. Stick with the program. Take one day at a time. That's what they say and that's what I need to start doing again.