Making the Dreaded List
Today I have 100 days of sobriety. WOW! That feels more monumental than 90 days, but there's no coin for 100 days. I'm on step eight now and it's suggested I make a list of all persons I have harmed. I love making lists, but this one is daunting. How have I harmed another? Who should be on my list? Well, my daughter! That's a no-brainer. My parenting skills were neglectful when I was drinking and using. But who else?
When your bottom is high enough to keep from wrecking your entire life, it becomes more difficult to recognize where I have gone wrong. In complaining about this dilemma, my sponsor asked me, "So should we start calling you Saint Susan?" Ouch! That simple question makes me realize that I am far from perfect and have caused harm intentionally or unintentionally throughout my life. The task before me is to get RADICALLY HONEST with myself and seek those times when I put my self interests before others, when I lied and misled, when my ego got the better of me and my self-righteous attitudes knocked others down.
This step is more difficult for me than step four where I made a searching and moral inventory of myself. It's more difficult because I know I have harmed, but my head is in the sand and perhaps I don't want to recognize how and who I have harmed. But sobriety/salvation requires brutal honesty, so for now, I will pray for those people and circumstances to come to my awareness. If you're reading this and feel that I have harmed you in some way, I beg of you, please e-mail me or call me so I can right any wrong I committed. My freedom depends on it.