From A Recovering Pastor to the PNW Annual Conference
I have ten months of sobriety. Yes, that’s right, my name is Pastor Susan
and I am an alcoholic and addict. I’m
also bi-polar so I had a double whammy against me. I quite willingly offered to write this
article to reach out to the other 14% of you who may or may not be living in
silent desperation. I’m writing to
encourage you to ask for help.
Ten months ago, I led our Good Friday service high. GASP!!!! Have you ever done any church
related event under the influence? Maybe
a Bible Study? Well, my new low was
leading worship high. During that
service I had a “come to Jesus” moment (some might claim it wasn’t a spiritual
experience, it was the drugs.) But that moment led me to finally gaining the
strength to ask for help. I called my
D.S and made an appointment. I feared
that I would lose my nerve if too many days went by, but alas, I found the
courage. I knew, before I sat down with
him, that my whole life was about to change.
There was no going back from this time forward and I experienced both
terror and a great relief.
My DS and I then told my lay leader and SPRC chair and
shared with them that I would be going into treatment at the Hazelden Betty
Ford Treatment Center for at least a month.
This was the right place for me particularly because they serve those
with a dual-diagnosis (mental health and addiction.) The God-thing was that my
SPRC chair at that time, is a retired drug and alcohol rehabilitation counselor. He knows full well about the disease of
addiction and he has been my most forthright advocate and supporter ever since.
So it was 10 months ago we celebrated Easter, and 10 months
ago I began my journey. Easter week I
admitted myself into treatment, and I considered it to be my own resurrection
into new life. I even got a tattoo of a
butterfly on my forearm, so I would be ever-reminded of this new life of
sobriety. Since that fateful Good
Friday, something miraculous happened. I
no longer crave drugs or alcohol. I WANT
them, but I don’t CRAVE them. I hear
that’s quite rare, but I believe God loves those rare times.
Since I left Hazelden, I regularly attend AA meetings and
sincerely feel that it’s church for me.
Leading worship, and not having the chance to “just worship” leaves me
lacking for a time when I can just be.
AA offers me that opportunity and I absolutely love learning about how
others imagine their own higher power.
My SPRC chair and I plan on visiting BOM, Cabinet, and
speaking at Annual Conference to do three things:
1 – Help our leaders of the church
create a safe place for those active in the disease so that others may have the
courage to “come out.”
2 – Offer education on the
conference level as well as local church
3 – Encourage those still suffering
that it will be OK. That you won’t lose
your job by asking for help. That your
church can be offered some education around the issues of alcoholism and
addiction so that they can support you with compassion.
I think the most important thing I learned while in
treatment was from a neurologist from OHSU.
He showed us the brain of a “normal” person and compared it to the brain
of an addict. There was a clear
difference and what my take away was, is that this is a disease, just like
diabetes or cancer, I am living with a disease AND IT’S NOT MY FAULT. Phew… Have
you ever felt like it was the addicts fault?
Do you feel that stigma?
One last thing, the most difficult and excruciating part of
holding onto this disease were the secrets.
The secrecy was absolutely killing me.
My alcoholism flared up soon after my provisionary status and it was
full-blown before my ordination as an elder.
I held onto this secret all through those sacred times, and deep within I
felt like a horrible fraud. In fact, I
couldn’t wear my robe. I told everyone it
was because I wanted to be seen as another “bozo on the bus” but the truth was,
I didn’t feel worthy of the call. How
could I preach on our healing, loving God, when I myself was so broken and felt
God had abandoned me?
I am living a new kind of freedom that I haven’t known in
many many many years. I believe I am
soooooooo much better at what I do, not simply because I’m sober, but because I
allowed myself to be vulnerable before my flock. My experience tells me that as we open
ourselves up and show our true selves, others will do the same for us.
In closing, I want to tell you that the conference, the
cabinet, my district superintendent and my congregation have been
unquestionably supportive and compassionate to me on my journey toward recovery. For example, even though Hazelden Betty Ford
was in network, I still walked away with a $4,000 price tag. Annual Conference picked that up for me. Also, while I was in treatment, I received 86
cards. 90% of them came from my
congregation. There is a lot of love,
mercy and grace out there, and I know this to be true because I was a grateful
recipient of it all.
For more on my story, you can read my blog “A Recovering
Pastor” at therecoveringpastor.com. If
you would like to talk more about your particular situation or the situation of
a loved one, please don’t hesitate to call me at 360-342-7913 or email me at pastor.boegli@gmail.com. This is my new call and I’m here for you.
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