Let Go and Let God
It’s
so good to be back. I have to thank all
of you from the bottom of my heart for all the prayers and support I’ve been
showered with in this past month. Your
compassion and grace lifted my spirits each day while in treatment and I owe
you all a debt of gratitude for encouraging me along my journey.
I’ve
been asked, “What happened?” In other words, what is your story? I won’t bore you with the ugly details but
let me share this with you. There are no
alcoholics in my family. I don’t believe
that this disease for me is genetic although I recognize that for the majority
of addicts of any kind, genetics plays a critical role. I rarely drank at all before 40. When I did drink, I drank too much because I
was a self-defined lightweight, so I stayed away from any alcohol except for
special occasions. But all my life, I
struggled with an eating disorder. I was
anorexic as a youth and then gained a lot of weight in the years
following. 12 years ago, I had gastric
bypass surgery. I lost about 100 pounds
and swore that the surgery saved my life.
And in fact, in many ways it did.
I no longer struggle with food and eat in a way that is healthy for my
mind, body and spirit.
However,
two years after the surgery, we moved to Oregon, right in the heart of wine
country and I was introduced to the wonderful culture of wine tasting and
appreciation. It was not known then,
that 7 – 10% of patients who have gastric bypass develop the disease of
alcoholism. If I had known that, I would
have stayed away from all forms of alcohol.
But the medical community did not yet have that data. So that’s how it all started.
I
learned a tremendous amount about the disease of addiction while in
treatment. I learned that it’s a
progressive illness, it only gets worse and worse. I learned that there is a part of my brain
that has been altered, and I will never again be able to drink without the
severe consequences of returning right back into the depths of my disease. I learned that the rest of my brain will
indeed return back to it’s full functionality – God willing. But most importantly, I learned that there is
no medical cure, only a form of remission.
And that remission is possible through the constant, on-going practice
of giving my entire self over to the care of God on a day-to-day or even moment-to-moment
basis.
On
Tuesday, I began my practice of studying this week’s scripture for this
sermon. I quickly realized that the
reading from 1st Peter was addressed to persecuted Christians, but
all I could see through my new “Recovery lens” was a reminder to those who
struggle with any kind of evil, in my case the evil of addiction. So today, I’d like to be a tad
self-indulgent, and share with you how this scripture speaks specifically to
me. I want to reassure you, that
although this new life in recovery will continue to shape how I interpret
scripture, I will not allow that lens to be so self-indulgent in the
future. I’m here for you. I’m here to share the Good news of Jesus
Christ with all those who come to this church.
I’m here to speak to your circumstances, but today, I choose to speak
from my own personal situation.
1st
Peter begins,
Beloved,
do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that is taking place among you to test you, as though something strange
were happening to you.
First, I heard that I am beloved. How grateful I am that God continues to love
me and he understands indeed that something strange was indeed happening to me. A disease was creeping into my life that I
could not understand nor could I control.
He
then goes on to say…
But rejoice in so far as you are sharing Christ’s
sufferings, so that you may also be glad
and shout for joy when his glory is revealed.
I
don’t think I was sharing so much in Christ’s suffering, but Christ was most
definitely sharing in my suffering. On
that Good Friday, when I was convicted, I understood the burden of our
brokenness that Jesus took upon himself.
I physically felt Christ’s presence sharing my pain. In the depths of my despair, I felt him carry
me. I have no doubt that this memory
brings me to a place where I can shout for joy for clearly I am not alone in my
despair.
1st
Peter continues with:
Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand
of God, so that he may exalt you
in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you. Discipline
yourselves; keep alert.
As I
learn to implement the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous into my life, I am
learning the value of humility, not to another human, but humility under the
mighty hand of God. I cannot stay sober
on my own. No amount of effort could
keep me from picking up another drink.
It is only by humbly handing my will over to the care of God that I can
be free from addiction. I’ve learned to
cast all my anxieties, all my fears, all my shame, on God. I trust that God will gladly relieve me from
that which binds me. Why? Because Peter reminds me, he cares for me, he
loves me, I am his child. And then I am
sternly reminded KEEP ALERT, for complacency and over-confidence will be my
downfall if I let my guard down. For me,
that means my participation in AA will be life-long. Working my program of recovery must always
come first. My recovery comes before my
family, it comes before my ministry, it comes before everything else on this
earth. Remember the directions from
every flight attendant on every flight you’ve ever taken? Please put your own
oxygen mask on first BEFORE helping another.
If I’m not right in my recovery, I can be no good to anyone, including
God.
Peter
then reminds us:
Like
a roaring lion your adversary the devil prowls around, looking for someone to devour. Resist him, steadfast in your
faith, for you know that your brothers and
sisters throughout the world are undergoing the same kinds of suffering.
For
me, in my personal circumstance, this devil that roars like a lion is the evil
of addiction. Any kind of addiction, not
just alcohol but drugs, food, gambling, sex, shopping, you name it – addiction
in my book is a form of evil. And indeed
it is incessantly on the prowl seeking someone to devour. And there are 17 million other alcoholics in
this country, not to mention the millions of others addicted to various things,
who are my brothers and sisters undergoing the same kinds of suffering. Step 12 in AA is all about trying to carry
this message to other alcoholics. Somehow, and I don’t know how yet, but I
know that the Holy Spirit is pushing me into a new ministry regarding addiction. Whether it’s simply building a labyrinth here
on our grounds dedicated to all those who still suffer from this illness, or
having a special worship service for those recovering, I simply don’t know
where the Holy Spirit will lead me, or us in the months and years to come; but,
I have learned that staying open to God’s will for my life is the most
important thing I do every day I live.
And
finally, Peter closes this lectionary reading with these wise words.
And
after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who has
called you to his eternal glory
in Christ, will himself restore, support, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the power for
ever and ever.
I
hear a promise in these words. I have suffered for long enough. I trust that God’s grace will continue to
restore me to a fullness of life that I have never before experienced. It is to God, who is all powerful that I give
my life to today.
Now,
all that being said, here’s one way that I’m going to be different because of
this experience. As you’re all aware, I
only wear my robe on high holy days like Christmas eve and Easter Sunday. I’ve often said that it’s because I want my
congregation to see me as just one of them, not special in any way. I’ve jokingly confessed, I’m just another
bozo on the bus. But the truth is that
whenever I wear my robe I feel like I’m dressing up for Halloween. It feels unnatural to me to dress as a
minister. After some intense therapy
with the Spiritual director at treatment, I realized that the truth is, I don’t
wear my robe because I feel unworthy to the call. Particularly because I had this deep secret
regarding my own brokenness while preaching every week that God saves us from
ourselves. And yet, because I could not
be saved from my own demons, I felt like a fraud. That has been my greatest shame.
But
today, I realize, despite my brokenness, despite the fact that I’m far from
perfect and despite the truth that I struggle every day with God, I have been
consecrated by the board of ordained ministry and by Bishop Hoshibata
himself. It’s taken me many years to
fully claim this title, but today I will own this responsibility. The responsibility of remaining transparent
in my journey and the responsibility of helping you be as honest with yourself
as you possibly can so that you too can journey toward the heart of God.
So
not only will I claim the role of minister, (put on robe) I also acknowledge
that like a yoke that an ox wears so that his master can give him direction in
the fields, I too will wear my own yoke – it’s called a stole and it symbolizes
that I give myself to God, to steer me in the direction of His will and not my
own. (put on my stole).
I
have been placed by the Holy Spirit in this church to be your spiritual
leader. I take on that challenge knowing
that I don’t have all the answers, knowing that I am broken just like you,
knowing that we are all on this journey together. I pray that my own experiences will lead me
to greater understanding and increased compassion. I pray that together we will all come to know
our Lord better with each and every day we live. Amen.
So very powerful, Susan. Thank you for sharing your story in this way beyond your congregation. Grace and peace.
ReplyDeleteThanks Susan. This was my deep dark secret that I held all through Academy. It was so painful not to be honest at that time, but I simply wasn't ready. Thank you for your support. I miss and love you.
ReplyDeleteSusan
You've worked hard to get to this "starting point". Thank-you for sharing so honestly and freely. You have a powerful calling, Susan!
ReplyDeleteThanks Mary. It's tough to own it, but with the grace of God, I beginning to claim the name. :)
DeleteOh how I have always enjoyed your sermons. You are loved.
ReplyDelete