The Ups and Downs of Recovery
So I got to day 81 and it hasn't all been all a pink cloud. Being Bi-Polar and not drinking is a ride in itself. I've always believed that when I spiral down into a depressive episode, I grow closer and closer to God. As sucky as it is to fall into a depression, I always have a greater sense of God's presence when I'm in the pits. In fact, I don't think I would have ever become a pastor if I didn't have those God-experiences, those thin spaces where the veil between me and the divine become more and more transparent. So I'm grateful.
But the truth is, when I'm in a manic episode, the veil also becomes thin. Sometimes too thin. Sometimes it's overwhelming how joyful I feel. I have the sense that I'm out of control and the connection I have with the divine is electrocuting me. Sure it feels good at the time, but I'm left spinning, confused, anxious and a little down.
I used alcohol and pot to manage these highs and lows. Now that I'm sober, I have to just feel them and not try to escape. Another appointment with my psychiatrist is on my calendar, but I don't know if there is any magic pill that will stabilize me and bring me serenity all the time. I suppose this is just how I'm made and I will be grateful that I have these episodes that remind me that I am not alone, that God's presence is always with me, and it is joyful beyond imagination to have the veil come down so that I can glimpse the face of God every now and then.