This blog fuses 12 step wisdom with Christian living from the perspective of a Theologically Progressive, Bi-Polar, Alcoholic, Female Pastor of the United Methodist Church.
The Ups and Downs of Recovery
So I got to day 81 and it hasn't all been all a pink cloud. Being Bi-Polar and not drinking is a ride in itself. I've always believed that when I spiral down into a depressive episode, I grow closer and closer to God. As sucky as it is to fall into a depression, I always have a greater sense of God's presence when I'm in the pits. In fact, I don't think I would have ever become a pastor if I didn't have those God-experiences, those thin spaces where the veil between me and the divine become more and more transparent. So I'm grateful.
But the truth is, when I'm in a manic episode, the veil also becomes thin. Sometimes too thin. Sometimes it's overwhelming how joyful I feel. I have the sense that I'm out of control and the connection I have with the divine is electrocuting me. Sure it feels good at the time, but I'm left spinning, confused, anxious and a little down.
I used alcohol and pot to manage these highs and lows. Now that I'm sober, I have to just feel them and not try to escape. Another appointment with my psychiatrist is on my calendar, but I don't know if there is any magic pill that will stabilize me and bring me serenity all the time. I suppose this is just how I'm made and I will be grateful that I have these episodes that remind me that I am not alone, that God's presence is always with me, and it is joyful beyond imagination to have the veil come down so that I can glimpse the face of God every now and then.
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God is so good. I'm glad the presence of the Divine is so close during the extreme swings of bipolar episodes. Thank you for sharing your story, Susan.ReplyDelete
love the picture. Glad you're hanging in there!